Love is a bitch...

They say 'Life is a Bitch'; but I say 'Love is a Bitch'... it bites you when you least expect it and the bite stings...

Ok, so this time it's gonna be a bit more personal than always. There are a zillion questions on my mind right now - why am I always attracted to guys who are wrong for me? They are not bad people, just the wrong fit for me. Why is it that I always make th wrong choices when it comes to love? Well, there are no real answers to these very real questions, so I am not going to spend time in digging my brain trying to find any. Let that go, is what I tell myself. I am trying to be positive these days and its not easy. Its tough being positive when all you encounter on your way there is mostly disappointments. But I suppose passing them and not letting go is half the battle won. But the war is still on. And the worst part is, you are at war with yourself.

Talking a zillion people will only get you a zillion opinions and a trillion advices. But in the end its you that has to make the decision. I have been told that we talk to a lot of people trying to find that one person who agrees with what's on our mind. And when we get that affirmation we were looking for, to do whatever it is you are trying to do - be it buying a new pair of shoes you know you don't need or trying to confess your sentiments to that one person you think is the one, we feel like we are going in the right direction. We do what we have been meaning to do even though it might not really be the right thing.

Not working - I have talked to a lot of people and have heard varied arguments. Some of them were downright negative; and believe me you that when you are walking on the positive path listening to people puke out negative sentiments is not easy, it makes you sick to find out that anyone can be that negative; and there were some who made a lot of sense and some who just agreed with me without any oppositions. In the end, I am left standing with no real answers, just a lot more to think about.

I have been asked to play all sorts of mind games to find out things, but where does that leave me. I had made a decision which was shot down at once and by a majority vote too. But ever since I have taken that advice, all I am feeling is confusion and restlessness.

All of it has only left me thinking - and I don't know if I will ever find the answer to this one too - Is it really worth it? Are all these mind games really necessary, and then they say girls are manipulative - hmph! Can i not just be straight with the dude and bring this to an end. I was ready for the consequences of it since day one.

I have realized one thing today - all this has only left me bitter and resentful towards the one person I liked. Maybe he does not reciprocate the same feelings which is fine by the way. I was ready for that. But all this discussion has done, is found a way to bring back those negative thoughts and a lot of 'ifs' and 'buts'.

It's lead me to wonder - why do we make things so complicated? Yes, being straight forward might lead us to heartache and disappointments, but in the end we are doing the right thing - are we not? Why go through the torture of not talking and being in touch, when we can have those happy moments to remember later on rather than wondering and having that big what if hanging on our heads all the time?

Well, I don't think there is a straight answer to this one either... Do you?

Desires...so close yet so far...

I wish I had a nice house, I wish I had a car, a new phone, a pet; the list never ends does it? No matter where you are in life, there is always that one thing you wish you had. Not always possible though. Sometimes you are in such a situation that no matter how bad you want something, how practical it might seem to get it, you just can't.

The reasons could be anything - disagreements in the family about why you need that something, your in-decisiveness, too many options etc. Sometimes you want it but the situation warrants something else. You know that the right thing would be put it out of your mind and move on, but it's never easy is it? Specially if you have your heart set on it. Desire can be a killer in such situations. You are angry at the whole world for putting you in this situation but your mind tells you that feeling angry and let down is not right, that for now letting it go is the thing to do. It's a tug-of-war between your heart and mind.

What should you do then? What if this situation will never pass and if it does, what guarantee that something else won't crop up? How much more to wait? Should one go ahead and get the thing they desire irrespective of what others say? But that would be wrong and you would only feel guilty and sad if you are the only one who is excited about it and end up alone with everyone else frowning down on you!

It's a difficult situation. At the end I guess it's all about patience. It does reap the best fruit right? Just because we can't get something right away does not mean we will never get it. So I guess it's safe to say that keep the desire alive but put on simmer rather than high heat. That way it will not boil and overflow. It will simply stay there gathering heat and will be well done when the time is right. Yeah?

CheerS!

Perceptions..

Standing on the balcony, steaming mug of coffee in hand, enjoying the sunset. Looking west I see the beautiful colors of evening from the softest of oranges to lightest of blues all seamlessly blending into the darker shades of the night. As soon as my eyes move around and the sound of all the honking falls onto the ears, all the peace and serenity I felt just a few moments ago faded away. The contrast between the serene sky and the chaotic roads is so striking.

Last evening went out for a walk, headphones on to block out the noisy traffic... when observing everything that was going around me without actually hearing it, felt so different. People going about their business, cars coming and going, all the usual hustle bustle of the evening, yet it was peaceful. Take the headphones off and all you want to do is get out of there.

Perceptions play such a big role in life. When I look up at the sky, I feel like a tiny speck. The enormity of this roof makes you realize that you are just a small entity in the huge scheme of things and that your problems are just as small, maybe even smaller.

Then why do we concentrate so hard on the things that are not working out, on things that are out of reach or around the corner rather than enjoying what we have in the now, right there in front of us.

We cannot change the decisions we made yesterday, last week or last year, so what if today we think they were wrong.

Standing outside on the balcony, mug now empty looking up at the now dark sky, marking the end of yet another day reminded me of what I had forgotten - I was just a tiny speck and that my problems were just as small. So if you feel like its the end of the world and have that feeling of 'Why Me?' just look up and breathe. And be reminded that you are not alone... they are others out there looking up too...

Family...

It's a long time since I have been living by myself. All the time on my own. In a way I have lost the sense of being with a family... you know with mom and dad. All this time I have only imagined how it would be. It's not like I have not lived with them at all but the little time that I have spent, has passed in arguing and contradicting each other. Each one of us trying to prove that we are right and the other person wrong.

Whenever I have been alone and have been too lonely I used to miss them. I used to wish that I get one chance to live with them before I get married. The only regret I have ever had has been that I did not get to develop a relation with them. I just know that I am not supposed to say or speak of certain things in front of them - you know avoid telling them this and that... but I don't know what they would enjoy and what they would like to hear.

I have been given another chance to spend time with them. It's been 2 days since they arrived and it's already sort of driving me crazy. I guess it's partly because I am not used to being around them. I am not used to having people around me. It's always been Me myself alone.. that's it.

All the time I have missed them, I have thought about how it would be to stay with them with everyone getting along just fine. But that has not happened till today. We always have squabbles about things - big or small.

But I just realized, that this is what it is like. To stay with them. The arguments and squabbles. That's what it is going to be like. The reason being none of us know each other the way we ought to.

My mother never talks to me about the important things. About those things she talks to my brother. That hurts most of the times, specially if it is something that has to do with me. But that's how its going to be. Cause the both of us have never spent quality time together. We went our separate ways when I was sixteen - so we never have that kind of conversation. We talk yes. We gossip too. But when it comes to talking about something that is bothering her - specially if it is about me - she will not discuss that with me. That used to bother me - but now I guess I have to make peace with it and let it go.

So Mom - it's OK that you don't talk to me about things that bother you. You are welcome to discuss them with Neel if that makes you happy. I hope you are able to solve your issues with me by talking to him.

About Dad; well what do I say about this man. I don't know him at all. All I know is that he gets real irritated with everything around him. I have no idea how to deal with him or talk to him. The best thing about him is that he is a man of little words. And that suits me well. Cause when I am at home, I don't talk too much either. So we can be in the same room for hours and not talk and that's OK with both of us. He does his stuff and I do mine. Not the same with mom.. I told her to give me 30 minutes while I write this and she has asked me remove my headphones thrice already - but all I tell myself is - breath. just breath.

And that is what I have decided to do - Breath. Just Breath.

I am going to try to ignore most of the things that bother me - cause I have to learn to live with these people and I cannot do that if I am letting myself get irritated with them every minute. I have to get to know how to work with them from scratch. I have to reach out to them and if they are not going to open themselves to me - I have to try to open up to them. Of course with them there are certain boundaries - I guess that's the case with all Indian parents - where there's always a line which you cannot go over. I did not use the word 'cross' because that is not what I meant. When I say there is a line - I guess I am talking about the gen gap or the gap in thought processing. Being exposed to both the Indian and American cultures, I have tried to pick up the good from both. But they still find it difficult to deal with my thoughts.

I am trying to work with what I have here. Like the cliched saying - when life gives you lemons, make lemonade... so I am trying to make lemonade.

So - Breath. Just Breath. Let it go. Relax. Don't take life so seriously...

...could not think of anything to call this one

Change is the only constant in life goes the saying... so true isn't it. 8 months into this new year, and so many things have changed. Nothing is how it was at the beginning of this year. The only thing that hasn't changed is that I am still single :)

My entire friend circle here is broken... people have moved on to new things - new jobs, new homes etc... I am waiting for a group of people from work to make a decision on my near future.

It sucks how I have so little control on this particular situation. I read somewhere that when we have so many unknowns to deal with we should not dwell too much on it. Put those thoughts on the back burner and let the universe take care of it. Well its harder than it sounds - to not think about what's going to happen, not knowing where you are going to be at the end of this month - but I am trying to do it - to not think too much about it. I mean it does make sense doesn't it! Me spending every waking moment wondering what's going to happen is not going to change the outcome. All I can do right now is send out a positive vibe - and leave it to the greater power to make it happen.

I hope that works!

There are so many blogs and books out there that talk about the power of positive thinking and inner peace. It's amazing! I have experienced it.. the power of positive thinking. Its wonderful. It's a shame that I am not able to apply it to every aspect of life. All I am looking for is a little peace of mind... but isn't everyone looking for the same thing?

I guess that's the reason I have not been able to come up with anything to write about in such a long time. I don't think about stuff as much as I used to. So that's a good sign I guess. But it's too bad that I am not able to write about stuff unless I have a reason to.

Before I end this - I have to say that there is something amazingly calming about sitting in a room alone - with only a soft light, soft music and a scented candle. There are rare moments when I can enjoy this.. so I am going to go back to it and try to find some inner peace :)

Cheerios!

today's snow brought me my peace...

Just yesterday I was so low, could never pin point the actual reason for the state of mind. Prayed for some peace of mind and went to bed. Guess was just thinking about all the not-so-good stuff that has passed and that has happened recently. But it’s passed and it does not make sense giving it too much thought.

So anyway, got up in the morning – lazy as usual… got dressed to go to work. Checked the weather and saw that it was a wintery mix. Looked out the window and it was snowing! Again! Picked up my cellphone on my way out and saw that there was a message - we get to work from home!!! Yeah! What a way to start the day.

Changed into my home clothes… setup the workstation on the desk in the bedroom; just re-arranged the room yesterday. Now my desk faces the window, so I get a good view when I am working.

It’s beautiful. Though it’s cloudy outside, the snowflakes falling and the snow settled on the roof tops pavement and trees; just makes you feel really calm within. I can just sit here for hours. A cup of coffee in hand and nice soothing music… heaven J

The peace that I prayed for – I got.

Mom... no one can ever take her place in our life...

It’s been a lousy day so far… first of I am down with a cold; this makes me low as it is. On top of that it’s been snowing almost all day and it’s been really gloomy outside. And finally, Rahul’s mom passed away, that was the worst news. Not a very uplifting start to the day or the month.

All day have been trying to think how to put positivity to work in such a situation. But have been coming up with nothing. All I keep thinking about is what he must be going through.

We being so far away from home, feel so helpless. It will take him an entire day to reach home. How does one deal with such a situation?

All of us went to see him in the afternoon. He and Sweta were holding up fine. All they can do is get on the first flight out. It’s just really sad, not being there during the final hours.

To be very honest, I was thinking about how I would deal with such a situation, were something like this happen with me, what would I do? God forbid something like this happening… but it’s just something that came to my mind. I don’t know why… but it just did. What would I do, how would I react…

Now I am wondering, does anyone else ever think like this or about this? The thought, it was scary…

The only thing I wanted to do after coming home was calling and talking to mom but couldn’t do it, as it was very late their time.

And it’s weird how we are wired inside. One incident is all it takes to bring out all the insecurities within us that we have been hiding. Something gets you down and all the other things that make us low, the thoughts that we have been able to keep under wraps, come creeping out making us feel worse than ever.

Its 6:00pm on 2^nd March… the day is almost come to an end… am sitting at home, with a cup of coffee writing this. Hoping that by getting these thoughts out on paper, I will feel a little better.

Just remembered something… this other thing… was chatting with a friend the other day and he was really sick… he’d been like that for almost a week… told him to go see a doctor, but he was trying to put it off… then he got worse… told me that he wanted to go back home and was missing his family.

Just another incident that makes you feel helpless. Makes you realize that you are all alone here. Yes, you may have a lot of friends, but at the end of the day, they all leave and you are left alone. It’s just not the same as having your mom there… to make soup or remind you to take your medicines…

Mom – no one can ever replace this one person in our life… no matter how much we argue or fight with her. At the end of the day, we want her near us when we are feeling low.

Miss you mom, hope you come visit soon...