Saturday, November 28, 2009

Family...

It's a long time since I have been living by myself. All the time on my own. In a way I have lost the sense of being with a family... you know with mom and dad. All this time I have only imagined how it would be. It's not like I have not lived with them at all but the little time that I have spent, has passed in arguing and contradicting each other. Each one of us trying to prove that we are right and the other person wrong.

Whenever I have been alone and have been too lonely I used to miss them. I used to wish that I get one chance to live with them before I get married. The only regret I have ever had has been that I did not get to develop a relation with them. I just know that I am not supposed to say or speak of certain things in front of them - you know avoid telling them this and that... but I don't know what they would enjoy and what they would like to hear.

I have been given another chance to spend time with them. It's been 2 days since they arrived and it's already sort of driving me crazy. I guess it's partly because I am not used to being around them. I am not used to having people around me. It's always been Me myself alone.. that's it.

All the time I have missed them, I have thought about how it would be to stay with them with everyone getting along just fine. But that has not happened till today. We always have squabbles about things - big or small.

But I just realized, that this is what it is like. To stay with them. The arguments and squabbles. That's what it is going to be like. The reason being none of us know each other the way we ought to.

My mother never talks to me about the important things. About those things she talks to my brother. That hurts most of the times, specially if it is something that has to do with me. But that's how its going to be. Cause the both of us have never spent quality time together. We went our separate ways when I was sixteen - so we never have that kind of conversation. We talk yes. We gossip too. But when it comes to talking about something that is bothering her - specially if it is about me - she will not discuss that with me. That used to bother me - but now I guess I have to make peace with it and let it go.

So Mom - it's OK that you don't talk to me about things that bother you. You are welcome to discuss them with Neel if that makes you happy. I hope you are able to solve your issues with me by talking to him.

About Dad; well what do I say about this man. I don't know him at all. All I know is that he gets real irritated with everything around him. I have no idea how to deal with him or talk to him. The best thing about him is that he is a man of little words. And that suits me well. Cause when I am at home, I don't talk too much either. So we can be in the same room for hours and not talk and that's OK with both of us. He does his stuff and I do mine. Not the same with mom.. I told her to give me 30 minutes while I write this and she has asked me remove my headphones thrice already - but all I tell myself is - breath. just breath.

And that is what I have decided to do - Breath. Just Breath.

I am going to try to ignore most of the things that bother me - cause I have to learn to live with these people and I cannot do that if I am letting myself get irritated with them every minute. I have to get to know how to work with them from scratch. I have to reach out to them and if they are not going to open themselves to me - I have to try to open up to them. Of course with them there are certain boundaries - I guess that's the case with all Indian parents - where there's always a line which you cannot go over. I did not use the word 'cross' because that is not what I meant. When I say there is a line - I guess I am talking about the gen gap or the gap in thought processing. Being exposed to both the Indian and American cultures, I have tried to pick up the good from both. But they still find it difficult to deal with my thoughts.

I am trying to work with what I have here. Like the cliched saying - when life gives you lemons, make lemonade... so I am trying to make lemonade.

So - Breath. Just Breath. Let it go. Relax. Don't take life so seriously...

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